I Wanted to Save You
by MissAnnThropic
Summary: A letter Mulder left behind for Scully.


Title: I Wanted to Save You  
Author: MissAnnThropic  
Spoilers: Requiem (references to Mulder's illness disclosed in the 8th season)  
Summary: A letter Mulder left behind for Scully.  
Disclaimer: I own nasing! Really, I don't. All you see here (that you recognize, anyway) is the creation of someone else. I take no credit.

* * *

To Dana Katherine Scully

dated 1/12/00

Scully,

If you're reading this, one of two things must have happened. I have either died or am in the hospital and not expected to regain consciousness. And, if you are reading this, I'm assuming you've discovered the truth of what has been happening to me over this last year. I knew you'd come here to my apartment, and I put this where I knew you would find it. Someplace I knew you would look, I guess the question is, why are you looking in my sock drawer?

I'm sorry, this isn't the time to joke around, because I know right now you are furious with me. I can understand that, and you have every right to be angry with me... I'm not going to begrudge you that. I knew the moment I chose to keep this from you that it would upset you when you finally found out that I was keeping this secret from you. All I can ask of you is to give me the chance to try and explain why I did it.

When I found out that it was happening I didn't want to believe it. For the first time I really knew how you felt when you were battling your cancer. This overwhelming feeling of helplessness and indifference... resignation. I know now what an incredible thing it was that you did not give up the way you did... I've wanted to so many times since I found out. You were a fighter... I have never admired you more, now knowing what a toll this takes on one's spirit (and there have been many times I admired you, Scully... I don't think you knew that either).

I tried to hide it from you as much as I could... you cannot imagine the headaches I had in the beginning, the effort it took to do everyday things as I grew worse and worse. Putting up a healthy front at work for you took all I had... not for months have I been able to make it to my bed when I get home... I am so tired, Scully.

And while I am just now finding out how you felt when you were dying, I have always known the pain I felt when I was watching you go through what you did. When you were fighting your cancer... I have never felt worse... even now as my body fails me and my mind stumbles and falters I still feel a thousand times better than when I had to watch you go through what you did. I have never been more scared or known despair as I had then.

And that's why I hid this from you, Scully. I know you'll be upset anyway that I kept my medical condition a secret from you, and that it might have you questioning a lot of the things between us these past seven years. Don't Scully... you were always my best friend... never doubt that. You were more to me than I was to myself, you were always my first concern no matter what we faced. I don't know if you knew that... you were even a higher priority in my life than finding Samantha. Why else would I have left you behind on my treks to find her when having another set of hands would have made the chances of finding her greater? I had to protect you, Scully... you were all I had. You were everything in the world to me, and as you read this and are still pissed off at me for not telling you, please know that is true, maybe one of the only real truths in my life.

I know it might not make sense to you right now why I did it, kept my disintegrating health and increasingly frequent doctor's visits from you, but I hope that in time you can understand my reasons. We have been through so much together, Scully... seen so many things that tested or strength and our faith. I told you once while you were near the brink because of your cancer that we all have our faith, and that mine was in the truth. That wasn't entirely true. My faith is in you, always has been... but what I told you is still partially true, because to me you have always been truth. You are my truth, my faith, my everything.

Even as I decided on one dark morning to keep the truth of my terminal illness a secret from you, it was still with your best interest in mind. I understand the torture in knowing... I do. I can't describe to you the anger and agony I had to endure when I knew you had cancer... looking at you and always having in the back of my mind the knowledge that my time with you by my side could be short. I was angry... mad that I couldn't be sick right there with you... that I wasn't dying, too. I couldn't let you feel that with me.

I did it to save you, Scully. To save me, too, in a way. It may not have cured me or protected me from the ill fate that has descended upon me... but to see that challenging look in your eye as I grew weaker, knowing that you were not pulling up short so as not to frustrate me in my final months... that was a gift, Scully. That saved me in a way... so few people who find themselves fading away as I was can really say they were living in those last few months. Their destiny is always on their minds and of those around them... it wasn't for you this way. You would still pick a fight with me, did I ever tell you I love fighting with you? Of course not personal fighting, but the professional dissension that has become so US. I love the fire of challenge in those cool blue eyes of yours. Fire and ice... that's what you'd become at times like that, my little bundle of fire and ice... you know how I like it extreme.

But it was mostly my secret for your sake. I couldn't let you feel what I had when you were losing your fight. I can live (figuratively) with your hatred at me for what I did, but I couldn't have bared to see you go through what I had to. Not that I'm blaming you for telling me about your cancer... I am immensely glad I could be there for you... I just didn't want it to have to be a service rendered in return. It wouldn't have been fair to you, Scully. I can't even name all the ways I've screwed up your life... I didn't want this to be one more thing.

Maybe this way it will be better. You won't have had to slowly suffer as I did... watch me fall apart, knowing that I was dying. I was dying, I am dying... but you still give me the feeling that there's some life left in me. As you read this, I want you to know that I have never felt more alive than in the seven years I've known you.

I love you, Scully, I always have.

I don't ask for your love in return and I don't ask for your forgiveness. All of these things are entirely yours to withhold or dispense upon my memory once I'm gone... just know that I did what I did for you, Scully. I just wanted to save you, as always.

I wanted to save you.

Love,

Your partner... forever

Fox Mulder

END


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